Erling Braut Haaland, in all of his 6ft 5in towering height and statuesque physique, brazenly announced his fearsome Viking arrival in English football with two splendid goals, with his on-pitch success accompanied by his signature celebratory Zen pose and a s*** bomb in his post-match interview. In short, it amounted to a chilling Nordic warning to Manchester City’s rivals across the length and breadth of the Premier League.
Somehow one gets the uncanny feeling that this is going to be a pretty common scene recurring this and the following seasons to the extent that not only are City’s opponents going to get Zen-ned out of their minds just watching him in mock meditation on the pitch in celebration, one can actually almost sense their fear in having to struggle to stop City’s playmaker supremo Kevin De Bruyne teeing up Haaland time and again this season.
Many in the football world had wondered what this City side might look like with an all-out goalscorer charging at the rivals goalmouth with a thunder god wrath and yesterday provided an early glimpse – albeit a scary one – of what could follow now that Pep Guardiola no longer has any need for his deceptive false No 9s but now has a truly formidable, real one to wreak havoc in the frontlines.
Haaland’s father, Alfie, was in the London Stadium stands to proudly witness his scion’s magnificent City debut which truly could have produced an effortless hat-trick, although his failure to do so provided some entertainment as it had prompted him to swear live on Sky Sports television.
Asked about a couple of chances that got away, Haaland committed his only misstep of the afternoon said: “I should have been there [to connect with Ilkay Gundogan’s cross]. It’s a bit s*** but that’s how it is.”
It now seems most likely there will be plenty of match balls to come, as Haaland served ample notice of how clinical he can be with a penalty, which he won, and a brilliant second goal, created by De Bruyne. And possibly a few more s*** bombs, too. After all, he’s a young lass and still learning.
Guardiola was obviously pleased as Punch after the match with his latest prodigy.
“I was fortunate as a manager to be with (Lionel) Messi and if he scored two, he wanted three, if he scored three he wanted four, and if he got four he wanted five,” Guardiola said.
“The top goalscorers, the strikers, they are never satisfied. They are always hungry, starving, they always want more and more.”
Football’s most highly-venerated coach had seen Haaland come under some unnecessary harsh scrutiny over failing to score in the Community Shield against Liverpool the previous week and the City manager couldn’t help but add: “One week ago, he would not adapt to the Premier League and now he’s the best – alongside Thierry Henry, Alan Shearer and Cristiano Ronaldo.
“I’ve known him for a month. I know how he handled criticism this week and he was calm, he trained really well. We will see when he is complimented how he reacts.”
The one player on the pitch who had personally experienced Haaland’s biggest impact before he opened the scoring had been West Ham goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski. The Pole felt the full force of Haaland’s outstretched boot like the hammer of mighty Thor as he got to the ball ahead of the Norwegian in the 22nd minute.
Fabianski subsequently required treatment and was replaced six minutes later by Alphonse Areola, one of West Ham’s two substitute goalkeepers. Areola himself after that had been on the pitch for only seven minutes when he was faced with a deceptively quick Haaland thundering in full force at him and the goal.
It was Joao Cancelo who passed the ball to Gundogan, who then turned and sent Haaland on his way as the former Borussia Dortmund forward easily got to the ball ahead of Areola and sent it past him before being brought down by the keeper.
If there was ever any doubt as to who was going to take the penalty, Haaland automatically took possession of the ball and nonchalantly sent it into the bottom corner of the net.
Guardiola said: “The way he took the ball to take the penalty, I said, ‘Oh, I like it’. I think if someone were to take this ball, he would have punched his team-mates in the face. I’m pretty sure of that and that is a good sign. You’ve got to be self-confident, ambitious and have a ruthless mentality. And, of course, he scored it.”
City’s delirious supporters at the other end of the ground were anything but calm when the scene focused on Haaland in transcendental repose on the London Stadium pitch in a sense of celebratory Zen. It was a perfect blend of yin and yang.
Despite having had the fewest touches in the opening 45 minutes among all the visiting players, Haaland effortlessly managed to produce the most decisive ones, which should be key in striking viral fear into the Premier League champions’ rivals.
Gundogan combined with Haaland to devastating effect in the 65th minute for the 22-year-old to double his and City’s tally when the ever-resourceful De Bruyne cut the West Ham defence in two with a wonderful pass that sent Haaland through on goal and he magnificently stroked the ball past Areola and into the net. And this time the lad gladly abandoned his trademark Zen pose and instead just pumped his arms in celebration and looked up to the area from which his proud father was watching.
To reiterate, Haaland could easily have completed what would have been a debut hat-trick shortly afterwards, but errantly headed Jack Grealish’s cross over the bar.
With his dues paid, he was given a well-deserved hero’s send-off when he was replaced by Julian Alvarez with 12 minutes remaining.
To be fair, Haaland and City’s overture to the season was anything but “a bit s***”.